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digging through boxes [05 Dec 2014|01:29am]

I was having a conversation with my roommate about Chuck Palahniuk the other night, and the book Rant came up.  This lead me to remember that I had written something about that book once, which lead me to remember that I once had some kind of online journal.  It's funny how easily you can forget something that you've apparently spent like a third of your life doing.  That's a crazy long amount of time, which really got me thinking that it's probably worth looking at again.

So this is basically the same thing I write every time I come back to this, isn't it?  "Wow, I've been gone a long time.  I just started reading through all the old entries, and I was a crazy fucker."  Yeah, sounds about right.  It's weird though.  I think in some way, I grew to depend on this.  I always say that I can't remember stuff that happened last week, and I guess that's maybe where this picked up the slack for me.  I don't remember specific events nearly as well as I remember writing about them.  Since the other night when I looked this up again, I've been casually reading through it whenever I have spare time, and it's just bizarre.  I remember this person like an old friend, and we're similar in a lot of ways, but different enough to seem strange.  Well, mostly I don't get worked up over every little thing.  I really was a crazy fucker.

Anyway, the point, and the thing that got me thinking about this.  I have this box in my closet.  It's my most important posession.  Does this thing have spellcheck?  I will never know if that's right.  Autocorrect has made me stupid.  Anyway.  This box, it just has pictures in it.  PIctures of that guy that wrote all the crazy shit, and the crazy people he hung out with.  They always say that when your house burns down, the thing people go risking their lives to save is the pictures.  And I feel that way about this box in my closet.  But this, this collection of ten years of me writing whatever was on my mind at the time?  I pretty much abandoned it.  If it hadn't been for that conversation, I may not have thought of it again.  That's kinda sad.  If anything, this should probably have more sentimental value to me.  Sure, I have bad memories of crazy interactions with people that came about as a result of it.  But more of the memories are good.

I worked through a lot of shit during some pretty rough times in my life by writing about it.  I met some really cool people as a result.  I even fell in love.  And yet my gut reaction is still to think of this as some silly thing I did when I was a kid.  It's not wrong... but it's not right to dismiss it so casually either.  I guess all I'm really saying is that I accept that this was an important part of my life, and I probably wouldn't be the same without it.  Who's to say if that's a good or a bad thing, but it's worth thinking about anyway.  So I'll do that.  I'll make sure I take some time to look back on this every now and then, like I have been this past week or so.  I might even learn something.  I certainly seemed to think I was smarter when I was younger.

Life update stuff...Collapse )
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same as it ever was [10 May 2010|10:36pm]
Quick little update for tonight. Spent most of the weekend in a state of delirium, working on webpage layouts purely in a half-conscious, reactionary way. Like some kind of weird instinct. And I wonder why these things never work out. Anyway, just figured I should document what progress I was able to make while it's fresh in my mind.

Started working on an alternate layout, since I'm not at all satisfied with the one I threw together to get started. Said layout can currently be seen here for the curious. Opinions welcome. The main advantage of it (other than having a color scheme that isn't composed black, black, and very dark grey) is that it's just much cleaner, and extremely easy to update. Not to mention actually fitting in with the theme and everything. The problem is that at some point during its creation, I somehow completely borked the line spacing, actually making line breaks to seperate paragraphs impossible. I spent like two hours last night trying to fix it. Thought I had it at one point, but no. I have a solution in my head now that I'm almost sure will work, just don't have the gumption right now to actually do it.

Article posting and archiving system is setup and works great. That is, if I can fix the line spacing. Otherwise, it will make me insane. Integrated RSS feed with articles and comments is working.

Forums are up, and looking moderately like the rest of the page. Just require some more tweaking and personalization.

Anyway, enough of this. My car got into a fight with an armadillo on the way home tonight and it's still not clear who won. It was a big armadillo. Time to relax, eat, sleep, and do it all over again. The cat says hi like a thousand times. Adorable pictures soon.
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negative reinforcement [09 May 2010|01:05am]
So I'm starting another webpage.

The whole idea is basically to have a weekly feature of terrible iphone apps. Things that should not exist. In other words, I'll never run out of things talk about. I fully recognize that there's like a 90% chance that I'll never really go anywhere with it, but it seems like a fun project for now. If nothing else, yay for server space.

So my plans for tomorrow are to work on getting a news posting script up and running, a submission form, and possibly forums. The tricky part is going to be setting up an archiving system that's relatively clean and organized, with simple references. Shouldn't be too tough, but I'm too tired right now to put together a clear idea of how to code it. Another major goal is a proper background. The image I threw together for now is really just for reference. I do have an idea for it, but I'm not sure about implementing it. We'll see... I wanna get things functional first. I'm expecting it will be at least a week or two before I start posting real content.

For now, movies and sleep.
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terrible idea #3672 [08 May 2010|06:52pm]
I have the horrible feeling that I am about to go back on my word and do something potentially stupid and time-wasting. But I do have lots of time, and never claimed to be smart, so it's kinda okay. I had an awesome idea on my way home from work today, and I think I can do it well. It may very well be what I was born to do. Don't want to say much now, because this is a good idea that might actually be worth stealing for a change, and if anyone is going to execute it poorly, it'll be me dammit.

More news as it develops. This might be a long night.
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an unnecessarily long book review [08 May 2010|12:07am]
I may be pressing my luck, writing again so soon. Might just run out of steam and not come back for another six months or so. But I figure it's better to at least try. I have a plan though. I like plans. I remember once, long ago, when I enjoyed this journal thing very much. I didn't always write about things that were super important to me on a personal level. Sometimes I just wrote about things. I enjoyed that, and I shall try it again.

I want to talk about Chuck Palahniuk. For those who don't know, I've always said he's my favorite author. He wrote things like Fight Club and Choke, which are both fantastic books and one of which is a fantastic movie. He also recently wrote a book called Rant. If you choose to read any further, you will see details about the ending of the book, so consider yourself warned.

rant rantCollapse )

Aaand I'm spent. Gotta get up at 5:45 in the morning, so I should attempt to get some sleep now. More soon. For reals.
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Bullshit: Origins [02 May 2009|12:36am]
Dear Hollywood,

Stop making terrible fucking comic book movies.

Thanks,

Josh
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Richard Kelly is out of his goddamn mind [17 Jan 2009|09:31pm]
So I'm a little late to the party here, but I watched the movie Southland Tales the other day. I had heard some kinda bad things about it, but the number of successful actors in it is absolutely staggering, and I did enjoy Donnie Darko, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

For those who don't know much about it, I'll try to summarize what you should know going into it. The movie is pretty much set in present-day times, except a few years ago, World War 3 started when someone nuked Abilene, Texas. I'll say that again. Abilene, Texas. I think they make a lot of salsa there. Anyway, some actor who's marrying a politician's daughter has lost his memory, but wrote a screenplay that may or may not predict the future... or the past... and now he's shacked up with an ex-pornstar who has a talk show. Christopher Lambert sells either guns or ice cream, the Sicillian guy from The Princess Bride is a Baron of some sort, who invented a machine that floats on the ocean and powers zeppelins and shit with some kind of remote energy source, which may also be a drug of some kind? A ridiculous government program is set up to spy on everyone all the time, but they think it's cool that Justin Timberlake sits on the roof of a bowling alley in broad daylight shooting random people in crowds with a turret-mounted gun. Also, there are a couple guys who are either brothers, clones, drug addicts, or time-travellers, and their names are either Roland or Ronald. They don't seem to be sure themselves. They have the power to make vans levitate when they hold hands.

And there is so much more.

This goddamn movie is two and a half hours long. The dialogue is spectacularly bad. Here, I'm going to give you the final line of the movie. "I'm a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide." Don't feel too upset about me spoiling the ending, because like many lines in the movie, it's repeated over and over. You'll be expecting it.

To be honest, I don't know why I feel like I have to tell people about this movie. I think maybe I'm hoping someone else out there saw it and actually understood something that happened in it, but that hasn't happened yet. If nothing else, it's worth watching just so you can appreciate every other movie you've ever seen just a little bit more. After I watched it, I sat in total silence for a half hour or so, not actually thinking anything, just trying to think at all. When I was finally able to put together one solid thought, it was this: You know, Dune really wasn't such an awful movie.

This is inexcusable.
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what's in a name? [16 Jan 2009|02:46pm]
Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

We got a new resident today, named Sparky Gonzales. I can never have a bad day at work again. Can you imagine saying, "I'm sorry, but you're just not going to be able to cheer me up today, Sparky Gonzales." No, you can't, because it's impossible.

Sparky Gonzales.

Okay, his real name is Domingo. But he prefers Sparky. As do I. My faith in humanity has been restored. Life is wonderful. Sparky Gonzales.

I just like saying it, okay? ...And typing it.

So yeah, it made my day. But soup sabotage still sucks.

Ssssssss.
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what I've learned [02 Aug 2008|04:03pm]
So this weekend is the weekend for my super-fun alcohol abuse counseling program thingy. What I was told before going into this was that I would learn all about alcohol and its dangers, get an assesment of where I fit in to all that, blah blah blah. Here's what I've actually learned the past two days.

The amount of actual alcohol in pretty much all common drinks, and exactly how much that will raise my blood alcohol content. Exactly how much alcohol my body will naturally remove per hour, how it does that, and how the timing for this process can be altered. I have been given a list of things that police officers use to spot a drunk driver, complete with a ranking of which signs they see as more likely to indicate drunk driving. There's an actual percentage next to each item. I've been told in detail the limitations and caveats of every alcohol and drug related law in the land. I've even been informed of my rights.

I've been taught how to drink, drive, and get away with it.

The court ordered me to do this! I'm not the only one who sees the class this way either. Every time we're let out for a break, we all wander outside, bewildered, wondering when a squadron of gavel-wielding black robes are gonna bust in and ask the guy teaching us these things just what the fuck his problem is. This supposed expert on the deceitful ways of alcoholics. Half of me wonders if it's all a test. If things are going to continue on this ridiculous path, and then when we get our individual assessments tomorrow afternoon, anyone who doesn't lean over the desk and go, "Hey... um, I think that guy's fuckin nuts, telling us these things" gets a big red "X" stamped on their file.

I've also learned that while I thought my story of getting arrested for drunk driving without actually getting pulled over was weird, it's trumped by almost everyone. One lady was arrested by a bicycle cop that she had gone on a date with the previous night. One guy was arrested after getting in a bar fight before ever taking a sip of a drink. One guy got up to go to work one morning and found a dog embedded in the grill of his car, and the missing memories of the night before started fading back in. And these are just the people who are willing to talk about it.

The whole thing would actually be a decent experience if it wasn't for the chairs though. These things were engineered to cause pain. And I suspect the chairs are the true purpose behind the whole thing. Halfway through the day, when people were asking if we could stand for the remaining three hours, our only answer was a smile. A smile that just barely masks a reflection of the scene in the old Twilight Zone episode where the man looks around him and says, "This isn't heaven... it's not heaven at all!" Well, the smile, then more ways to get away with drinking. Now to go do my homework. Lying down. On my stomach.
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peace, man [02 Oct 2007|09:38pm]
'Sup, I live.

So I'm pretty much just writing this so I can look back on it anytime I get a stupid idea like trusting another human being with any information about my personal life. Well, except you guys. You're awesome or something. Anyhoo, the point.

I've been a very busy boy. Working full-time at Ingham still, doing furnace installations for great money on a per-contract basis, and I'm starting another part time job cooking somewhere else. So yeah, no free time, but money. Not that I don't have my hands full at Ingham. It seems like I'm given more responsibilities with every passing day. Two years ago I was a dishwasher... now, I'm lead cook who also does ordering, all the prep work, menu and special event planning, loads of managerial decisions, representing us at conferences, etc, etc. You get the point. Busy.

Anyone remember the other cook I bitched about in... my last entry? A few months ago? Something like that. Anyway, she started her stuff up again a while back, and I got so pissed off about it, I went to the head cheese lady and complained. She ended up getting "talked to" and was much better for a while. I thought we were good now. So anyway, Friday I tell Sherry (dietary manager) about the other cooking job I'm picking up. I make a point to tell her and only her, and to reassure her that it won't affect my schedule at Ingham in any way. I also mention that I'll be working for my old boss, Brian. Go ahead Mya, you can say it. By the way, he says hi.

She's totally understanding and tells me if there's anything she needs to do with my schedule to help out, just to ask. She's a great boss. Saturday, I'm working with Laura (other cook, she-devil), and figure I should let her know as well. No reason not to, right? Everything's all clear with Sherry, after all. Then I go home and enjoy a tiny bit of rest before going to meet upi with Brian to talk about the new job (which ends up being less of a meeting and more of a case of severe alcohol poisoning. good times), and all seems to be good with the world.

Then I go to work this morning. Sherry and I have this little ritual. She shows up a couple hours before I do, hides in the office for as long as possible, then I come in and we have a little meeting between ourselves where we talk about who fucked up what while we were gone, and how to fix it. Every day. This morning, she's going over some semi-usual, semi-batshit crazy stuff, and I keep getting the feeling that there's something else. Like there's something she wants to tell me, but doesn't want to tell me. Finally, I say "Come on, spill it. What's the big bad news?" She kinda chuckles, and then tells me about how Laurie (head cheese lady) came barging in the office yesterday in a blind panic because "somebody" told her that I'm leaving Ingham, or at least cutting back my hours to go back to work for Brian. She proceeds to go on a rant to Sherry about how there's no room in this organization for someone in my position to work part time, and how Brian is evil incarnate and doing all this to hurt her, blah blah blah.

I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Of course this left Sherry confused, because she was expecting one of my patented "stomping around and throwing stuff" tirades. I explain to her that I had only told two people, and the identity of "someone" wasn't nearly as secret as Laurie might have thought. Sadly, neither Laurie nor Laura were there today, but boy is tomorrow gonna be fun. Not only that, but our dietary consultant is going to be there doing an inspection tomorrow! Boy, it'd be a shame if some steam tables got turned off, or some scoops got switched to the wrong portion sizes, or an angry bald cook went into Laurie's office and put the whole truth out in front of her (while making the point that he has no intention of leaving, and thus leaving her fucked, if something is done about a few select issues). Or all of those things. I'm so tired of playing nice. And hey, if it gets ugly, I lose my temper and along with it, my job... who cares? I've got more than enough jobs to go around.

It just really pisses me off that Laurie keeps freaking out every time she hears a rumor that I might be getting another job. You would think that a rational person would look at all the shit that I've stuck through there in the past two and a half years (may not sound long, but I'm the most senior person in my entire department... by a lot), and realize that I just might be a bit more dependable than that. I mean yeah, I know the woman, so I do sort of expect it. But expecting something to hurt doesn't really make it hurt less.

Anyway, beer.
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return [23 Jun 2007|02:33am]
I've pretty much had this post in my head for a few weeks now, at least. (Longer than that actually. I found this draft, dug it up, did some editing, and completed it. I'm such a cheater) I've gone through a lot of changes lately. Some have been forced on me, some have been a long time coming. But really, it all centers on the fact that I am finally happy being alone. It's just unfortunate what all had to happen to get to this point.

I don't really have a story to tell or anything. I guess some crazy things have happened, but it's nothing I'd really like to go into detail about. Basically, my usual stubbornness lead to some hurt feelings and an awkward ending with the whole Micaela situation. At least I hope it's over. Eh, what am I saying. It's over. I've got to remember I have a say in these things. I'm really enjoying having a few casual friends, and no serious relationship to worry about. Kind of odd hearing myself say that, since it's the exact opposite of what I would have wanted not too long ago. I was just so hung up on this idea that I had to be with someone to be happy. Yeah, I've got great memories of when I actually had that, and I look back on them fondly. But for what I honestly think is the first time in my life, I'm fine without it.

I've made some progress on the anger front. At least I think I have. I don't yell often, and when I do, I actually watch what I say for the most part. Really, I'm just talking about work here. I should backtrack a bit. Brad and Rob quit, so I've been promoted to Lead Cook. This was a couple months ago or something. As a side note, to give you an idea of the turnover at this place, I've been there a little over two years, and I'm the only employee in my department who was there when I started. I've made a lot of progress with my cooking. I certainly don't take credit for that myself. Brad taught me more things than anyone, and since learning more, I've been able to look back on things other good cooks I've worked with in the past have done, and incorporate them into my work. I really enjoy my work now. Which, back to my original point, helps with the anger thing. Don't get me wrong, my job is far from easy. Summer sucks for me... I'm almost always cooking two seperate meals at once, in addition to doing at least half of the prep work. Had a minor dispute with the new cook a while back... she came into the place knowing I had significantly less experience than her, and kind of thought that automatically made her my superior. There were a couple incidents where she tried to make me look bad, and it backfired on her. Since then, Sherry (my supervisor) and I made some schedule adjustments so she could see my work, how much more I can accomplish in a shift than she can, and how much smoother things run in general when I'm there. We had a couple discussions, and I think she's got the idea now. I have no desire to tell her how to make her food... she's a good cook. But I'll be damned if someone's gonna come into what is essentially my kitchen and tell me how to run it. Not that I'm still worked up about it, it was just frustrating at the time.

Aside from work, my personal life has been wonderfully calm lately. Maybe a little boring, but that's okay too. That is why Al Gore invented beer. I'm still trying to fix my damn car. I'd tell you what's wrong with it, but it'd be faster to say "The radio works fine." Dan's been great about letting me drive his car til I get it fixed, which can't come soon enough. Though I'm still debating having the thing towed to one of those "push, pull, or drag" sales at a dealership and just eating the rest of what I owe on it. Or having it shot into the sun. The really annoying part is that I've fixed three other cars for other people since mine has broken down. Two of them twice. Who's gonna fix mine!? I suppose it would take a team of people, working in shifts. With monks chanting in a circle around the car. And maybe the skull of Henry Ford or something. Insert other clever line about the car being evil here.

My cousin broke his neck the other day. He was diving for shells at the beach and hit the bottom. Pretty scary how easy it is, huh? After nine hours of surgery, they say he's not gonna be paralyzed at all. Pretty damn lucky.

Now I'm gonna clean or something. I really wish I hadn't slept for six hours this evening.
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growing [13 Nov 2006|03:51pm]
The song says it all.
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leaves [08 Nov 2006|10:34pm]
To say that my life has taken a couple weird turns in the past month or so since I've written would be a gross understatement. I don't even know what to say, really. But I do have the constant need to say something. Yet there are very few people to talk to now. I'm happy, I'm overjoyed at times. But I also cannot stop thinking, and I am so goddamn insecure.

I've been getting drunk every night for a week now, just so I can sleep. I smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day to keep from tearing my own hair out. Well, what's left. Hah. Last night, I chased a few teenagers half a block just hoping I could catch one of them and let out some of my frustration. Don't worry, they had it coming. The point is, I need an outlet, and I don't have one. It's making me crazy. I'm not good at holding back, and I'm reaching my limit. I've got a vacation coming at the end of the month. I'm going to pack whatever I can fit into a backpack, drive to a forest up north, and just be alone for a few days. I just need to get away.

I just keep asking myself if it's worth it. Guess I've changed. I never would've questioned it before. I think I'm afraid of getting hurt. Or that I already am. Or that I couldn't change the way I feel now if I tried.

Time for a walk.
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ashes below [11 Oct 2006|07:34pm]
I won't make any promises to write again this time. History has shown that to be a stupid thing to do. Basically, I just feel like now is a good time to catch up.

I'm not sure exactly what I've done the past few months. There was a change that had been working up in me for a while, but eventually, just fully came out. I became (outwardly) the asshole I always saw myself as. I fully embraced all my worse habits and mannerisms, and never, ever held anything back. To me, I felt like I was finally being honest. It became well known at work that people would like me the first two days they knew me, but would hate me after that. And so far, it's right on.

And it's funny, that just when I realized how wrong it all was, and I started making a conscious effort to change, that this would happen. My reputation persists, you see. We got a few new girls at work a couple weeks ago. I've been as nice as I am to anyone to all three of them. They've all three heard the horror stories about me. One of them has decided to not only believe them, but to take preemptive action against me. I've been accused of racism. She has absolutely no reason to say such a thing, and she's said that much herself. I'm not even supposed to know. But thankfully, managment is sympathetic, and told me about it. Everyone who actually knows me knows it's not true. I'd have to say the more you know me, the more you know just how ridiculous the idea is. At least I would hope so. So I took it as calmly as I could, and asked for advice. See, the girl hasn't made an official complaint, she's just spreding rumors. Of course no one wants to get anywhere near the subject on an official basis, so managment isn't doing anything unless she does. Except for telling me to keep my mouth shut, that is.

Here's where we run into a problem. I so badly want to approach the girl, and tell her just how upset I am, and why her claim is just impossible. But then she knows they talked to me, and she can cause trouble. Not only that, but she's doing things to make my job harder, and I'm not allowed to complain. Even worse, I have to stop anyone else from complaining for me. Because the things she's doing affect only me. So if she gets in trouble, it's obviously because I'm a big bad racist, adding fuel to the fire. I couldn't handle it last night. She had done horrible things to me all night, and I kept smiling and telling her it was fine. Then brace myself against the counter and try not to vomit, I was so angry. She could've said anything at all about me, anything but that. I ended up staying there until eleven o' clock last night, cleaning, because I was afraid of going home alone in the mood I was in.

The funny thing is, I feel better. I don't think she's going to bother me anymore. I know now that I can take it. It sounds stupid, but I feel like I grew up last night. I haven't felt so full of life in a long time. I have confidence again. I got out of my rut... I woke up. I saw her again today. I smiled, but not like before. I was geniunely happy. She may be trying to get rid of me, but she's done me more of a favor than she could possibly imagine. I don't know why I feel so good, and maybe it'll go away, but it doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm doing the right thing again. Sure, I still drink and smoke and cuss, but... in a nice way? Haha, I don't know.

Erm, I really didn't mean to get so deep into that. I guess what I really wanted to say was this. Life is good, I feel like me again, and I'm finally, finally over my own supposed pain.
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[22 Apr 2006|03:17pm]
I know, I know. I suck.

I'm not even making a real update. Just telling a cool story about something that happened last night.

I was sitting here at the desk, around 10:00 pm, when I heard screeching tires outside. It's not terribly uncommon to hear that, being so close to a highway, but I looked anyway. By the time I looked, I'd heard a crash, and saw a car backing up. I waited til this morning to take pictures with my phone, since it was so dark out last night, but here's what I saw.




A drunk driver in a Ford Taurus slammed into our dumpster with enough force to knock it through the fence, the bricks behind the fence, and across two parking spaces into my roommate Dan's truck. What's more incredible is the only damage to the Taurus was a large triangle shaped dent in the front bumper. After hitting the dumpster, the driver took off, before anyone could get a good look at the car. (The noise was loud enough that everyone on this side of the apartment building was out on their balconies) But thankfully, the man didn't get far before he remembered that he lives here. So he drove back, peeking around the side of his airbags, and got out of the car, trying to act non-chalant. Dan stopped him at the doorway, saying, "Hey, um... you just knocked that dumpster into my truck there." The man, bobbing and weaving around, mumbled something about coming right back, and went upstairs. Dan stayed outside, and continued to take pictures of everything. A few minutes later, a police car pulled up in the parking lot. Dan, thinking the cop came about the accident, approached him. The cop interrupts him, and asks to be let into the building, because there's been a domestic disturbance. A few minutes later, the cop comes down the stairs with the driver of the Taurus in handcuffs, who had apparently only gone upstairs to beat his wife. The wife was following behind them. As the police officer put the man into the back of the cop car, however, the wife jumped on the cop's back and started beating him on the head. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. He was spinning around, trying to get her off of him, while his partner was calling for backup, and trying to get her off of him without getting kicked by the spinning pair. Meanwhile, the man is just in the back laughing.

Also, the dumpster itself didn't really do much damage to Dan's truck. It's the pieces of the fence that cracked his windows. Dan's not even too mad about it because it was all so funny. Anyway, gotta get back to work soon. Thought I'd share that. Will write something real soon. Sorry.
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birthiversary [21 Dec 2005|03:03pm]
Huzzah, I'm 24 today. I can... eagerly anticipate the insurance break next year. Got Christmas in the mail from Dad today. Got some gloves, a cool flashlight that runs on magic, a nice pen, and a huge coat I can live in. Also, money. Oh, and the traditional Far Side calendar. Mom sent me five bags of Snyder's BBQ chips (she must have picked them up last time she was in WV), which are actually probably of greater value to me than all that stuff Dad sent. You can't imagine how good they are.

Anyway, time for me to make a sandwich, have some of the afforementioned chips, and get back to work. After that, I find out what my SEKRIT BIRTHDAY PLANS are. Ooooh.

I'll leave you with the message I left Dan on our whiteboard this morning.




Happy Birthday, everyone.
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healing [16 Dec 2005|09:41pm]
I'm finding that as Christmas approaches, my attitude about it, and everything in general, is becoming increasingly negative. Amazingly, I'm not working on Christmas, but I'm not going to be doing anything anyway. I was considering visiting Mom or Dad, but it just wouldn't work out. Don't have enough time off, and can't afford the trip anyway. Part of me thinks that I should offer to work for someone who has family or other loved ones to spend the day with, but people aren't exactly bending over backwards to do me favors either. Maybe next year. I've worked every holiday since I started working there, and it's someone else's turn. You're a mean one, Mr. Josh.

Um. Normally I wait until I have a lot to say before I write these things. I'm kind of out. Oh, yay. The god damned roommates are home. I can't put my feelings into words. I want to break a lot of things. Like other people's bones. Those are things.

The anger issue is much better.
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blahblahblahblahblah [08 Dec 2005|10:50am]
I did it to Jen, so fair is fair.

Go back to your very first post of each month during 2005...copy the first sentence of each post you made and post that in a new thread in your LJ.

January: This thing routinely happens to me every day.

February: Haven't gone to bed yet.

March: Bwahaha.

April: Ever just have random memories?

May: I've given it some thought.

June: I know I said I quit, but I figure if I ever needed a journal, it's now.

July: no entries

August: no entries

September: no entries

October: So here's the plan.

November: A couple people on my list have actually done this...

December: I've had what I would consider to be a severe anger problem for some time now.

Technically, the first thing in march was a picture though :) Break-time over, back to work.
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Comply [07 Dec 2005|09:25pm]
Tagged by to_want
Ground rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "Five Weird Habits of Yourself"
and the people who get tagged need to then write a LJ entry about their
five quirky little habits as well as state the rules of this game
clearly. In the end, you need to list the next five people who you want
to tag.


1. I pace while on the phone. Constantly. The only exceptions are when I am tethered by some form of cord or am in a near-comatose state of exhaustion.

2. Almost every time someone says "Joshua" to get my attention, I respond with "Whatua?" I've done this for years, and if it ever had any meaning, it is long gone.

3. I talk to myself an awful lot, especially when I'm angry. When it seems like someone might have caught me in the act, I do my best to change seamlessly into a similar-sounding song. However, suddenly breaking into System of a Down's "Violent Pornography" or NOFX's "My Vagina" is rarely less awkward than being caught talking to yourself.

4. My wake up procedure: Let's say I have to be at work at 6:30. I set the alarm clock for 5:47, at which point I get up and get ready as fast as I can. This usually takes only a few minutes. The point is to be ready before my body wakes up, because the next step is to set the alarm clock for 6:21. It goes off, I get up, put on my jacket and shoes, and go out the door. I'm pretty much fully awake by the time I pour my coffee at work.

5. For a while there, I snapped my fingers so often that they actually became sore. For the past couple weeks, I've been making an extra effort to remember not to snap them.

Tagging specialmonkey, akrasiel, staceylynn, quintessence, thebostonsox

Took me two days to write this. Sick as all hell right now. G'night.
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cooldown [01 Dec 2005|05:28pm]
I've had what I would consider to be a severe anger problem for some time now. I've briefly touched on it here before, but as I think is the way of these things, it has gotten worse with time. I don't know a good way to describe it. Most of the time, I do have one or two flimsy reasons for being angry, but never a reason to be as angry as I am. Sometimes, I'm angry and have no idea why.

If I step back and think about it, I guess I do have a lot of general stress about things. It would be easy to say work, but there's a lot about work that I truly love. What angers me about work is the way it's changed. Over the past month in particular, there have been policy changes in our department that are made, not based on the benefit the residents will receive, but on what puts management at ease. This is bad enough, but some of the latest changes really affected my attitude. Two of our crew were basically blamed for the completely irrational outburst of someone in another department, and our manager basically handed them over. I love the guy as I would a great friend, but he's very weak-willed, and could use a good helping of backbone. When it was his ass on the line a couple months ago, we broke our backs for him. Now, he's selling us out for political ease.

I worry about my future. Half a year ago, I was looking forward to July for the wedding. Since that fizzled, I've been looking forward to July for the end of my lease. Either way, all my life goals have never gone past July. I've lacked the ambition to really set anything in motion for myself these past few months. What stings a bit, and what has put me in a slightly grumpier-than-normal mood the past few days is that I turned down a good job a couple days ago. There are a multitude of reasons I can't take it though, so it's not really accurate to say I turned it down. Better to say I felt the opportunity as it slipped through my fingers. But I've decided that what I'm going to do is set aside a little time each day to think of places, people, jobs I can move on to when my time here is up. I've been in this funk since "the summer of the college dropout", and it's time I pull myself out of it. I'm going to plan, I'm going to act, and I'm going to succeed again.

My living situation itself affects me as well, though that's obvious to anyone who knows me. It's not that I don't like my roommates, and it's not that I don't trust them. I think Mya and I have made more progress toward being normal friends than I thought would be possible at first. And Dan and I will always be joined at the brain, but he seems to not have room for friends in his life anymore. It's taken me some time to come around, but I really don't blame him for it. If I was able to find something to totally absorb my soul and block out reality, I'd give in too. It probably didn't help that I rarely got a full night's sleep for the past few months. Baxter had a way of barking non-stop one or two hours before I wanted to wake up every day. Note the past tense. I took him to the humane society today, where I've been assured he'll find a home within days. I really felt that I was robbing him of his youth, since the only times he ever got out to play for any extended period of time were when I was home from work and not in such a mood that I couldn't stand him for more than an hour or so. In other circumstances, I would've been happy to have him as a pet, but as things are in this home, it simply wasn't humane. Hence his current residence.

I just want to be calm. I listen to music constantly to numb my thoughts, because when they're allowed to wander, I think of all the disappointments. Expressing things in words helps, as my poor mother found out for a couple hours the other night. Something we talked about was the fact that I'm adjusting to independence. I went straight from being under Dad's roof to college, where I did very little, to living with Mya, who I depended all too heavily upon. Now, I'm left with finding out who I am as a singular adult, and it's frustrating me because the more this happens, the more I'm aware of the fact that I feel trapped here. Not that it's a big deal or anything. I could live peacefully with two people I hate for seven months; two and a half people I'm pretty much friends with is no trouble at all. I just look forward to moving on, and growing up a little.

This has been much longer than I intended. My point is this. I'm an unreasonably angry son of a bitch, but I think I'm going to get better now. And if I don't... uh, give me french fries. I always like those. They'll keep me off your case for a while.
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