Jº§HÜå (squash) wrote,

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ashes below

I won't make any promises to write again this time. History has shown that to be a stupid thing to do. Basically, I just feel like now is a good time to catch up.

I'm not sure exactly what I've done the past few months. There was a change that had been working up in me for a while, but eventually, just fully came out. I became (outwardly) the asshole I always saw myself as. I fully embraced all my worse habits and mannerisms, and never, ever held anything back. To me, I felt like I was finally being honest. It became well known at work that people would like me the first two days they knew me, but would hate me after that. And so far, it's right on.

And it's funny, that just when I realized how wrong it all was, and I started making a conscious effort to change, that this would happen. My reputation persists, you see. We got a few new girls at work a couple weeks ago. I've been as nice as I am to anyone to all three of them. They've all three heard the horror stories about me. One of them has decided to not only believe them, but to take preemptive action against me. I've been accused of racism. She has absolutely no reason to say such a thing, and she's said that much herself. I'm not even supposed to know. But thankfully, managment is sympathetic, and told me about it. Everyone who actually knows me knows it's not true. I'd have to say the more you know me, the more you know just how ridiculous the idea is. At least I would hope so. So I took it as calmly as I could, and asked for advice. See, the girl hasn't made an official complaint, she's just spreding rumors. Of course no one wants to get anywhere near the subject on an official basis, so managment isn't doing anything unless she does. Except for telling me to keep my mouth shut, that is.

Here's where we run into a problem. I so badly want to approach the girl, and tell her just how upset I am, and why her claim is just impossible. But then she knows they talked to me, and she can cause trouble. Not only that, but she's doing things to make my job harder, and I'm not allowed to complain. Even worse, I have to stop anyone else from complaining for me. Because the things she's doing affect only me. So if she gets in trouble, it's obviously because I'm a big bad racist, adding fuel to the fire. I couldn't handle it last night. She had done horrible things to me all night, and I kept smiling and telling her it was fine. Then brace myself against the counter and try not to vomit, I was so angry. She could've said anything at all about me, anything but that. I ended up staying there until eleven o' clock last night, cleaning, because I was afraid of going home alone in the mood I was in.

The funny thing is, I feel better. I don't think she's going to bother me anymore. I know now that I can take it. It sounds stupid, but I feel like I grew up last night. I haven't felt so full of life in a long time. I have confidence again. I got out of my rut... I woke up. I saw her again today. I smiled, but not like before. I was geniunely happy. She may be trying to get rid of me, but she's done me more of a favor than she could possibly imagine. I don't know why I feel so good, and maybe it'll go away, but it doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm doing the right thing again. Sure, I still drink and smoke and cuss, but... in a nice way? Haha, I don't know.

Erm, I really didn't mean to get so deep into that. I guess what I really wanted to say was this. Life is good, I feel like me again, and I'm finally, finally over my own supposed pain.
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