Jº§HÜå (squash) wrote,
Jº§HÜå
squash

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what I've learned

So this weekend is the weekend for my super-fun alcohol abuse counseling program thingy. What I was told before going into this was that I would learn all about alcohol and its dangers, get an assesment of where I fit in to all that, blah blah blah. Here's what I've actually learned the past two days.

The amount of actual alcohol in pretty much all common drinks, and exactly how much that will raise my blood alcohol content. Exactly how much alcohol my body will naturally remove per hour, how it does that, and how the timing for this process can be altered. I have been given a list of things that police officers use to spot a drunk driver, complete with a ranking of which signs they see as more likely to indicate drunk driving. There's an actual percentage next to each item. I've been told in detail the limitations and caveats of every alcohol and drug related law in the land. I've even been informed of my rights.

I've been taught how to drink, drive, and get away with it.

The court ordered me to do this! I'm not the only one who sees the class this way either. Every time we're let out for a break, we all wander outside, bewildered, wondering when a squadron of gavel-wielding black robes are gonna bust in and ask the guy teaching us these things just what the fuck his problem is. This supposed expert on the deceitful ways of alcoholics. Half of me wonders if it's all a test. If things are going to continue on this ridiculous path, and then when we get our individual assessments tomorrow afternoon, anyone who doesn't lean over the desk and go, "Hey... um, I think that guy's fuckin nuts, telling us these things" gets a big red "X" stamped on their file.

I've also learned that while I thought my story of getting arrested for drunk driving without actually getting pulled over was weird, it's trumped by almost everyone. One lady was arrested by a bicycle cop that she had gone on a date with the previous night. One guy was arrested after getting in a bar fight before ever taking a sip of a drink. One guy got up to go to work one morning and found a dog embedded in the grill of his car, and the missing memories of the night before started fading back in. And these are just the people who are willing to talk about it.

The whole thing would actually be a decent experience if it wasn't for the chairs though. These things were engineered to cause pain. And I suspect the chairs are the true purpose behind the whole thing. Halfway through the day, when people were asking if we could stand for the remaining three hours, our only answer was a smile. A smile that just barely masks a reflection of the scene in the old Twilight Zone episode where the man looks around him and says, "This isn't heaven... it's not heaven at all!" Well, the smile, then more ways to get away with drinking. Now to go do my homework. Lying down. On my stomach.
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