Jº§HÜå (squash) wrote,

Richard Kelly is out of his goddamn mind

So I'm a little late to the party here, but I watched the movie Southland Tales the other day. I had heard some kinda bad things about it, but the number of successful actors in it is absolutely staggering, and I did enjoy Donnie Darko, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

For those who don't know much about it, I'll try to summarize what you should know going into it. The movie is pretty much set in present-day times, except a few years ago, World War 3 started when someone nuked Abilene, Texas. I'll say that again. Abilene, Texas. I think they make a lot of salsa there. Anyway, some actor who's marrying a politician's daughter has lost his memory, but wrote a screenplay that may or may not predict the future... or the past... and now he's shacked up with an ex-pornstar who has a talk show. Christopher Lambert sells either guns or ice cream, the Sicillian guy from The Princess Bride is a Baron of some sort, who invented a machine that floats on the ocean and powers zeppelins and shit with some kind of remote energy source, which may also be a drug of some kind? A ridiculous government program is set up to spy on everyone all the time, but they think it's cool that Justin Timberlake sits on the roof of a bowling alley in broad daylight shooting random people in crowds with a turret-mounted gun. Also, there are a couple guys who are either brothers, clones, drug addicts, or time-travellers, and their names are either Roland or Ronald. They don't seem to be sure themselves. They have the power to make vans levitate when they hold hands.

And there is so much more.

This goddamn movie is two and a half hours long. The dialogue is spectacularly bad. Here, I'm going to give you the final line of the movie. "I'm a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide." Don't feel too upset about me spoiling the ending, because like many lines in the movie, it's repeated over and over. You'll be expecting it.

To be honest, I don't know why I feel like I have to tell people about this movie. I think maybe I'm hoping someone else out there saw it and actually understood something that happened in it, but that hasn't happened yet. If nothing else, it's worth watching just so you can appreciate every other movie you've ever seen just a little bit more. After I watched it, I sat in total silence for a half hour or so, not actually thinking anything, just trying to think at all. When I was finally able to put together one solid thought, it was this: You know, Dune really wasn't such an awful movie.

This is inexcusable.
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