Jº§HÜå (squash) wrote,

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I've had what I would consider to be a severe anger problem for some time now. I've briefly touched on it here before, but as I think is the way of these things, it has gotten worse with time. I don't know a good way to describe it. Most of the time, I do have one or two flimsy reasons for being angry, but never a reason to be as angry as I am. Sometimes, I'm angry and have no idea why.

If I step back and think about it, I guess I do have a lot of general stress about things. It would be easy to say work, but there's a lot about work that I truly love. What angers me about work is the way it's changed. Over the past month in particular, there have been policy changes in our department that are made, not based on the benefit the residents will receive, but on what puts management at ease. This is bad enough, but some of the latest changes really affected my attitude. Two of our crew were basically blamed for the completely irrational outburst of someone in another department, and our manager basically handed them over. I love the guy as I would a great friend, but he's very weak-willed, and could use a good helping of backbone. When it was his ass on the line a couple months ago, we broke our backs for him. Now, he's selling us out for political ease.

I worry about my future. Half a year ago, I was looking forward to July for the wedding. Since that fizzled, I've been looking forward to July for the end of my lease. Either way, all my life goals have never gone past July. I've lacked the ambition to really set anything in motion for myself these past few months. What stings a bit, and what has put me in a slightly grumpier-than-normal mood the past few days is that I turned down a good job a couple days ago. There are a multitude of reasons I can't take it though, so it's not really accurate to say I turned it down. Better to say I felt the opportunity as it slipped through my fingers. But I've decided that what I'm going to do is set aside a little time each day to think of places, people, jobs I can move on to when my time here is up. I've been in this funk since "the summer of the college dropout", and it's time I pull myself out of it. I'm going to plan, I'm going to act, and I'm going to succeed again.

My living situation itself affects me as well, though that's obvious to anyone who knows me. It's not that I don't like my roommates, and it's not that I don't trust them. I think Mya and I have made more progress toward being normal friends than I thought would be possible at first. And Dan and I will always be joined at the brain, but he seems to not have room for friends in his life anymore. It's taken me some time to come around, but I really don't blame him for it. If I was able to find something to totally absorb my soul and block out reality, I'd give in too. It probably didn't help that I rarely got a full night's sleep for the past few months. Baxter had a way of barking non-stop one or two hours before I wanted to wake up every day. Note the past tense. I took him to the humane society today, where I've been assured he'll find a home within days. I really felt that I was robbing him of his youth, since the only times he ever got out to play for any extended period of time were when I was home from work and not in such a mood that I couldn't stand him for more than an hour or so. In other circumstances, I would've been happy to have him as a pet, but as things are in this home, it simply wasn't humane. Hence his current residence.

I just want to be calm. I listen to music constantly to numb my thoughts, because when they're allowed to wander, I think of all the disappointments. Expressing things in words helps, as my poor mother found out for a couple hours the other night. Something we talked about was the fact that I'm adjusting to independence. I went straight from being under Dad's roof to college, where I did very little, to living with Mya, who I depended all too heavily upon. Now, I'm left with finding out who I am as a singular adult, and it's frustrating me because the more this happens, the more I'm aware of the fact that I feel trapped here. Not that it's a big deal or anything. I could live peacefully with two people I hate for seven months; two and a half people I'm pretty much friends with is no trouble at all. I just look forward to moving on, and growing up a little.

This has been much longer than I intended. My point is this. I'm an unreasonably angry son of a bitch, but I think I'm going to get better now. And if I don't... uh, give me french fries. I always like those. They'll keep me off your case for a while.
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